{poetry friday: at the arraignment}


At the Arraignment

by Debra Spencer

The courtroom walls are bare and the prisoner wears
a plastic bracelet, like in a hospital. Jesus stands beside him.
The bailiff hands the prisoner a clipboard and he puts his
thumbprint on the sheet of white paper. The judge asks,

What is your monthly income? A hundred dollars.
How do you support yourself? As a carpenter, odd jobs.
Where are you living? My friend’s garage.
What sort of vehicle do you drive? I take the bus.
How do you plead? Not guilty. The judge sets bail
and a date for the prisoner’s trial, calls for the interpreter
so he may speak to the next prisoners.
In a good month I eat, the third one tells him.
In a bad month I break the law.

The judge sighs. The prisoners
are led back to jail with a clink of chains.
Jesus goes with them. More prisoners
are brought before the judge.

Jesus returns and leans against the wall near us,
gazing around the courtroom. The interpreter reads a book.
The bailiff, weighed down by his gun, stands
with arms folded, alert and watchful.
We are only spectators, careful to speak
in low voices. We are so many. If we make a sound,
the bailiff turns toward us, looking stern.

The judge sets bail and dates for other trials,
bringing his gavel down like a little axe.
Jesus turns to us. If you won’t help them, he says
then do this for me. Dress in silks and jewels,
and then go naked. Be stoic, and then be prodigal.
Lead exemplary lives, then go down into prison
and be bound in chains. Which of us has never broken a law?
I died for you — a desperate extravagance, even for me.
If you can’t be merciful, at least be bold.

The judge gets up to leave.

The stern bailiff cries, All rise.

And so today, dear ones: if you can’t be merciful, at least, be bold. More poetry at Jama’s.


{thanksful: 10 – seed to spark}

I suspect if I lived where it snowed anymore, the thrill would still be just as great. I’m talking about the annual Receiving Of The Seed Catalogues. It’s not as if I live somewhere it isn’t still relatively warm and sunny, and it’s also not as if I do anything but destroy gardens – but I do it with dedication. As one should.

Every year, the late autumn/early winter arrives with tons of catalogs – first the glossy garden catalogs with deluxe fountains, the copper door wreaths, patio lanterns and bird feeders, and then the pages of bulbs and flower baskets. Finally, late winter the catalogs come with the glossy pictures of seeds — or, even facier, the pages of buff, pen-and-ink sketches of Asian plants and vegetables I’ve never seen, but order anyway. I buy seeds or seedlings every year, and something – aphids, raccoons, the stupid squirrels – inevitably eats them. Without fail, something munches on the eggplants, nibbles the tomatoes, makes lace of the kale and leaves little spit balls in the peppers (WHY do insects have to DO THAT? SPIT BALLS. Seriously). Add to that hauling water in buckets – the joy of living in a drought state and recycling shower warm-up water for the garden – and it’s a royal pain.

Highlands 2008 289

Occasionally, a sentient garden forces the door and escapes.

Something will get eaten. Something will get too hot, and bolt. Something will never come up. Something will immediately get attacked by flea beetles or horn worms or… or… something. It’s all going to be a crap shoot. I still can’t not garden. And, I still can’t not get excited about the whole, losing enterprise.

Is it just the gardening? The calm of being outside, perspiring under a ludicrous hat? Or is it, rather, the performance of optimism, the whole ridiculous dance of throwing out a seed, and working, hoping for the best? I don’t know. Still – grateful for it.


Mental Mood: It’s not Netflix & Chill. This week, it’s mostly Twitter & Weep, but little by little, the voices are sorting themselves. There are the tone policers, the pat-the-air-and-calm everyoners, the we-must-respect-the-office-of-presidenters. There are those already writing their congressional representatives about changing the electoral college, the organizers, the protesters, and the planners. There are others circulating petitions to ask that we ignore the college tally, for the sake of the republic. I’m hearing voices insisting that nothing will change – no one will be better off, or worse. I’m hearing other voices insisting that it’s all changed, irrevocably.

As troubling as it is to see how people’s vicious, racist behavior has red-lined already – especially at schools and colleges – we were warned about this by British friends; post-Brexit people acted like they’d lost their ever-loving minds as well. May we be among those brave enough to be unafraid to put ourselves between another and harm.

{thanksful: 9 – losing}

I know.

Some of you can’t hear this yet.

It is entirely fine to come back tomorrow.

Or, whenever.

I kind of bit the head off of a friend this morning when she emailed me to express her horror and pain, and I apologized afterward, but this loss of sanity in America wasn’t a surprise to me, because sanity was lost a long time ago, for me.

When you remember being a five-year-old afraid of lynching, and understanding – too early – that it happened to specific people, when you have parents who grew up in the South and had their food spat in, who had rocks thrown at them on the way to school in their school integration in the sixties — well. Your life is maybe different. When your white husband is asked if sex with you is different, or if you’re pink “down there,” and when you see people arguing that this black person shouldn’t have run, or been in a bad neighborhood, or been selling things on the street, or that person shouldn’t have tried to use that bathroom, or those Muslims should maybe try to fit in and take off those hijabs not just on the beach — well. Well. You know your country.

You know your country, and you hope for better, but… you know your country. It’s a broken, ugly place. Pockets of beauty abound, indeed, in the loveliness of friends, in the joys of open hearts and inclusion, in literature and music and art. But, you know your country. You’ve heard what has been said of you, just behind your back, outside your hearing. You’ve sat awkwardly through the “they wanted my scalp!” jokes about Native people from people claiming to share your faith – people you don’t know how to remonstrate with. You’ve heard the homophobia from your own relatives, the police brutality apologetics from your alleged friends. You wish for better, but you know your country.

I know my country – but today I’m grateful that maybe, after this loss, maybe others who live here will know my country, too. And, seeing my country with their eyes wide open, they’ll be able to be truer, stronger allies. They’ll be more ready to be serious, to take action, to have uncomfortable conversations, to make uncomfortable choices; to disassociate from people who are hateful on every level and enable the narrative that some are better, to put their privileged bodies between that hate and the idea that “other” and “different” and “unique” is dangerous and should “go back” and “go away” and crawl off, beaten and bloody.

I love you, who are just learning who we are today. It’s a steep learning curve, but now that you know… now that you’re sick with it… you are the cure. You are. You are.

And for Melissa Wiley, I see you a poem, friend, and raise you one:

tenacious

“the grit that vexed the oyster, formed the pearl,”
my mantra, this, as living shreds my plans;
“and still we rise” and rising, we unfurl

our battle standard, bloody in our hands.
in disillusioned pain; in shock and fear
our doubts, now kindled, conflagration fans,

what, from disaster? how, to persevere
when we’re defeated, running on exhaust?
from deepest pressure precious stones appear,

Hail Marys passed when better plays are lost
A root, determined, granite stone will split
Some harvests sweeten only after frost –

why claim “all is not lost,” like hypocrites?
we tried. we failed. regardless, we don’t quit.

{a poetry break }

Lynedoch Crescent D 429

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

—Naomi Shihab Nye

{thanksful: 8 – socially}

Because I do not always play well with others, I have both loved and loathed social media in extremes. At its best, Facebook felt like being in a shared living room. I recall watching the streaming 2008 inauguration – from Glasgow – with friends in both Ireland and America, and how that experience made my heart ache with a baffled love of country I don’t remember experiencing prior to then. At its worst, Facebook was like sharing a house with bad roommates who drank loudly, screamed a lot, ignored me, and occasionally threw buckets of blood, Carrie-style, on the walls… I also remember abruptly and tragically finding out from a stray comment someone made that back in America, my Uncle P. had succumbed to his cancer. That was the day I quit Facebook. Years later, my agent made a lot of noises about me absolutely needing to have an online presence, and a year ago, I grudgingly joined Twitter… and found out that it wasn’t so bad, if I took a month off every other month or so. It’s still like sharing a room with a lot of other more gregarious people, but using Tweetdeck, it’s more spread out and less overwhelming for some reason. Additionally, I can mute by word or by person, and I can also just look at pictures of weird sea slugs and rate dogs, if I need to take a breather.

Lafayette 76

Sometimes we’re tweeting. Other times we’re just hiding in the tree.

Today, I haven’t been able to bear being online much, but it’s been an odd sort of comfort to check in briefly, and experience my other friends getting absolutely NOTHING done, worrying, rage-eating Halloween candy, kvetching, kibitzing, and kvelling. (Question: why are all the best words Yiddish, and why do they all start with K? Talk amongst yourselves.)

No matter what happens tomorrow, the quips and tweets will carry on. Even though I can’t hack being with them too often, it warms me a bit to know that my tribe is out there.

{thanksful: 7 – discomfited}

by Kerry Johanssen

Black People & White People Were Said

to disappear if we looked at
each other too long
especially the young ones —
especially growing boys & girls
the length of a gaze was
watched sidewise
as a king snake
eyeing a copperhead while hands
of mothers and fathers gently
tugged their children close
white people & black people were said to
disappear if but nobody ever said it
loud nobody said it
at all & nobody ever
talked about where
the ones who didn’t listen
went


There are some things we just hate to talk about.

Maybe in the name of being “peaceful,” maybe in the name of policing the tones of others, sometimes the overwhelming urge is for everyone go get along and be “nice.” But, racism, unfortunately, isn’t nice. And it’s hard to dismantle a system of oppression if no one ever talks about it.

One of Tech Boy’s favorite phrases in college – as he debated professors to frustrated frothing – was that he was on hand to ‘disturb the comforted, and comfort the disturbed.’ Mind you, I sat as far away from him as I could whilst he cut his swath through our humanities department, but I’ll admit that though he gave me hives, he was right about a lot of things. Not all of us are able to speak up when necessary, but as always, especially this year, I’m grateful for those who are articulate and incisive; who take no prisoners and who suffer no fools. Blessed are the uncomfortable; may we, in discomfort, grow.

{thanksful: 6 – healthy as a…}

“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer.
And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.” — Maya Angelou

Is it rude to be grateful that Tech Boy got a really bad cold, and I didn’t?

In a word, yes… but, I’m grateful anyway, since, by measure of intensity, everything I get is at least twice as bad as what he gets. I was expecting a bout with the ‘flu, to be honest. It hasn’t shown up yet, and it’s been a couple weeks. I’m going to count my blessings and call it good.

*knocks sharply on wooden desk*

It’s just that it feels like I spent my thirties sick – as in ICU stays sick – and it was the most deflating thing ever, to have my body just up and go, “Nah, actually working right is for chumps.” I was so confused and betrayed. It took me a long time to forgive my body for making me feel elderly at twenty-nine, for infuriatingly punking out at thirty. It took a long time to remember things like wearing lipstick and perfume, and caring that I owned jewelry and nice clothes. Only later did I understand that my body did the best that it could for a long time, getting sicker all the while. It actually did me a solid, holding out until my first Christmas break during grad school. I went to ICU for 8 days and missed O classes. My body did well by me – and it only fell mostly apart. I mean, I could have just, you know, died. So, there’s that.

Occasionally gratitude is about perspective.

So, I’m going to go eat an ice lolly – low sugar and fruit juice sweetened – because okay, I didn’t get sick, and it’s time to treat my bod a little kinder.

{thanksful – 5: like no one is watching

“Gratitude is the music of the heart, when its chords are swept by the breeze of kindness.” – Unknown

ALA 2010 020

Party with a big hatted cat.

One of the Glasgow-iest moments of our five years in Scotland occurred one morning in the University gym. Clyde 1, a popular radio station, was playing over the loudspeakers in the weight room, as we sweated away on Nautilus machines and free weights. I don’t even remember what song it was – something by Pink, probably – but abruptly everyone in the entire weight room was belting it out at the top of their lungs. It didn’t matter if they were any good, it didn’t matter if they were perfectly on pitch or not — it was a good song, yeah? And when it’s your jam, you sing. You dance.

I wanted to hug every single sweaty person in the room. I loved them all. I was raised to be pretty… serious. Not that my parents never laughed, but I think my perfectionist personality, together being corrected a lot, led me to try harder and harder to be conscious of how I looked, how I acted. The world, I was taught, was serious, and nearly everything had Eternal Consequences. Oddly joyless way to live, which is why you can imagine this un-self-conscious joy was so inviting. That’s just one of my favorite Glasgow memories.

Today is the combined birthday celebration for the Filipino kids next door, and I can hear the karaoke band playing – and the aunties and uncles belting out 80’s ballads like there’s no tomorrow. In an hour or so, a mob of kids is going to come over with massive plates of spaghetti and hotdogs, loads of pancit, and wedges of cake. We’re going to wish them happy, as we do every year, and they’re going to giddily go reeling back for more music and sugar. I’m so grateful that in this mad and occasionally bad world, there are little pockets of joy, where people are raised believing it’s just dandy to dance and sing like the grasshopper in the fable… time enough to be serious ants tomorrow.

{thanksful – 4: the seven sisters}


“When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.”
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet


I love the challenge of writing to a form, and this month, the Poetry Sisters tackled the terza rima. (Since I’m late here, I’ll skip the details on the history of the form, etc.; I’m sure Google and the other ladies are your friend there.) As usual, all of mine sucked (additionally, I kept forgetting the theme). As usual also, others of us REALLY made the form work. I love how that happens every time.

I notice that I have a preference for meter – I’m an iambic girl, but I tend to fall naturally into a six-syllable line, and am rather fond of the heroic couplet. My first effort went into that, and it was a holiday poem… sort of. Not as cheery as one would have hoped. I decided to try to make a longer line – a fourteen syllable line, as some classic terza rima use. It was a bit of a stretch, but worth the effort, because it got me out of a rut in this repetitive, tumbling form that too easily falls into ruts for me.

Reykjavik 22

paean

in gratitude: for indrawn breath, for pauses before song,
in praise of STOP and WAIT FOR IT, for beating my own drum.
for awkward stumbles, missing notes, for doing it all wrong,

that every hand can use the tools to change a day’s outcome,
that I am not my bones, my face, my hair, my flabby gut,
that Who I Am Right Now is not The Me I Shall Become.

that screaming, “Help!” is not a shame, nor is it a shortcut,
that days of lying down in tears does not mean I am through,
that sometimes progress means that we go downhill on our butts,

that sometimes less is truly more, not what we can accrue.
in praise that chores – at times – are to the soul a mindless ease
a balm applied to busy minds that we can sink into,

in praise for what is gone for good through living’s agencies,
and thanks indeed for what remains: today. its bounties, seize.

Poetry Friday today is brought to you by the letter S, and by the number 7. We have some sick sisters this month, but don’t miss Sara’s poem, which is about all of us (!), Laura’s nifty poem on hope – in an election cycle, Liz’s beautifully heartfelt pair of glass half full poems, Tricia’s Langston Hughes-esque lament and Kelly’s adorably grateful not-a-triolet. More poetry is hosted at Laura’s.

Meanwhile, “Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.” ― Theodore Roosevelt. TGIF.


{thanksful – 3: odd ducks


He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” – Epictetus

Balloch 13

Funerals have an odd way of becoming like family reunions – seeing cousins you haven’t seen in years, though you live within hours of each other; seeing tweens you remember meeting as infants. Seeing how time has – whoosh! – just whipped passed while you were head down, like an ant, toiling over and back upon your same little paths.

Today was my uncle’s funeral, one of my Dad’s younger brothers. He was the fun guy, the one who asked what we wanted for Christmas, who single-handedly kept me supplied with sweater dresses throughout the eighties (no mean feat), who was always ready with a joke and uproarious laughter, always teasing (or mocking), in contrast to my father’s sometimes stern mien. This Uncle welcomed Tech Boy to the family with the offer of a beer and a smoke. (Again, to piss off my Dad.)

My uncle was always a little bemused by me, I think — he was a league bowler, a diehard 49er fan, a Giants and Warrior season ticket-holder. He was loud and jovial and competitive. I… wasn’t really any of those things (although, I WILL throw down with you in Scrabble. Any time). I was one of those people who took forever to learn how to ride a bike! But, sporty or not, I would sit on the floor in front of his massive big-screen TV… with a book… and hang out.

We all find a place to fit in where we can.

I’m grateful today for the memory of a carelessly jolly man, and those people in our lives who allow us to be who we are… with not too much teasing.

“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.” – Eric Hoffer