“You don’t have to believe in yourself all the time; you don’t have to read self-help books and fix your self-esteem problems before you can succeed. You just have to be stubborn and keep on and keep on. Instead of the Little Engine saying ‘I know I can, I know I can,’ you can, to be cornball, instead be the Little Engine that says, ‘I won’t quit, I won’t quit.’ It’s kind of easier. For me, anyway.”
Laini has some great thoughts about the writing process and determination. Check them out.
I finished editing MARE’S WAR in earnest in August, and except for a last few little factual odds and ends up to January of this year, the book took about ten months to pull together. T’was a quick ride — possibly too quick for my brain to catch on the fact that I was writing my second book. We’ve heard of the “sophomore slump,” and the fact that many writers produce that Staggering Work of Genius and then never write again. I was aware of all of that, but none of it happened… ’til book 3 reached out and kicked me in the pants.
My third manuscript (and for the sake of argument, I say third: I have umpteen hundred unfinished manuscripts in my possession. Don’t you?) I started last… June? And it was basically finished by last week. It. Took. For. Ev. Er. I just threw out of the house last weekend into my agent’s arms, hoping to God that he can make some sense out of it. I have rewritten it EIGHT TIMES. I have renamed all of the characters FOUR TIMES. The morning I sent it out, I rewrote the beginning YET AGAIN because I was SURE there was a reason for the mother to be so angry on the way to school. Why was she driving them? Why didn’t they take the bus? Could their relationship have been set up better from the novel’s opening scenes?
Could I go outside and run into oncoming traffic?
Self-doubt is a natural part of the writing process — after all, we’re in our own heads, writing, and sometimes can’t tell if what we’re producing has any value to anyone but ourselves. A writing group really helps with this, but sometimes… nothing helps. The writer has to simply follow through, and keep moving.
Part of my trouble is simply a West Coast girl in the throes of a northern winter. A stranglehold of dark and cold is hard for the brain that lives on sunlight and warmth, and it’s worse without a window that allows you to see for miles. The other part of the equation that unbalanced me is that I have tremendous self-discipline. The more I feel myself slipping and screwing up, the harder I push myself. The little voice in my head sounds like the nasty guy with the scar face at boot camp (or my father. You pick). And I get meaner and meaner and meaner — to myself, and less and less able to relate to the people around me, or to my imperfect self.
Sara reminded me last week that writing isn’t all discipline, it’s also devotion. Where is the devotion is pushing and punishing yourself? Where’s the fun in your chosen profession if you hate yourself and everything you’re writing? What keeps you coming back if you just about kill yourself to produce?
Where’s the brakes to stop this particular train?
I’m not entirely sure. There has to be a little of routine, a little rote, a little discipline in the writing world. But there also has to be a lot of love, a lot of gentleness, a lot of humor and sense. I am determined to find this balance. Determined.
Meanwhile, it’s March, which means I will celebrate my birthday for thirty-one days. My sister surprised me with a lovely white orchid plant which is blooming on my dresser. Amazing what small things make happiness.