“You don’t have to believe in yourself all the time; you don’t have to read self-help books and fix your self-esteem problems before you can succeed. You just have to be stubborn and keep on and keep on. Instead of the Little Engine saying ‘I know I can, I know I can,’ you can, to be cornball, instead be the Little Engine that says, ‘I won’t quit, I won’t quit.’ It’s kind of easier. For me, anyway.”
Laini has some great thoughts about the writing process and determination. Check them out.
I finished editing MARE’S WAR in earnest in August, and except for a last few little factual odds and ends up to January of this year, the book took about ten months to pull together. T’was a quick ride — possibly too quick for my brain to catch on the fact that I was writing my second book. We’ve heard of the “sophomore slump,” and the fact that many writers produce that Staggering Work of Genius and then never write again. I was aware of all of that, but none of it happened… ’til book 3 reached out and kicked me in the pants.
My third manuscript (and for the sake of argument, I say third: I have umpteen hundred unfinished manuscripts in my possession. Don’t you?) I started last… June? And it was basically finished by last week. It. Took. For. Ev. Er. I just threw out of the house last weekend into my agent’s arms, hoping to God that he can make some sense out of it. I have rewritten it EIGHT TIMES. I have renamed all of the characters FOUR TIMES. The morning I sent it out, I rewrote the beginning YET AGAIN because I was SURE there was a reason for the mother to be so angry on the way to school. Why was she driving them? Why didn’t they take the bus? Could their relationship have been set up better from the novel’s opening scenes?
Could I go outside and run into oncoming traffic?
Self-doubt is a natural part of the writing process — after all, we’re in our own heads, writing, and sometimes can’t tell if what we’re producing has any value to anyone but ourselves. A writing group really helps with this, but sometimes… nothing helps. The writer has to simply follow through, and keep moving.
Part of my trouble is simply a West Coast girl in the throes of a northern winter. A stranglehold of dark and cold is hard for the brain that lives on sunlight and warmth, and it’s worse without a window that allows you to see for miles. The other part of the equation that unbalanced me is that I have tremendous self-discipline. The more I feel myself slipping and screwing up, the harder I push myself. The little voice in my head sounds like the nasty guy with the scar face at boot camp (or my father. You pick). And I get meaner and meaner and meaner — to myself, and less and less able to relate to the people around me, or to my imperfect self.
Sara reminded me last week that writing isn’t all discipline, it’s also devotion. Where is the devotion is pushing and punishing yourself? Where’s the fun in your chosen profession if you hate yourself and everything you’re writing? What keeps you coming back if you just about kill yourself to produce?
Where’s the brakes to stop this particular train?
I’m not entirely sure. There has to be a little of routine, a little rote, a little discipline in the writing world. But there also has to be a lot of love, a lot of gentleness, a lot of humor and sense. I am determined to find this balance. Determined.
Meanwhile, it’s March, which means I will celebrate my birthday for thirty-one days. My sister surprised me with a lovely white orchid plant which is blooming on my dresser. Amazing what small things make happiness.
I can’t wait to read that latest story/book as soon as it is out. Now I am hooked on finding out why the mother is driving them to school so angry. I love that you are puzzling that out even as you send it in the mail. Keep on keeping on.
Love the crocus too. And celebrating your birthday all month – wonderful! I have a big number to celebrate all next month and I better start planning it. Happy Birthday to you princess!
“I have this image in my mind of *other writers* writing manageable storylines, with great joy and ease.”
Laini: Hahahaha! I know. I KNOW. I’m sure these Other Writers exist. Kind of like I’m sure about aliens…
Adrienne: Let’s not get started on the house. The cleaning I could do, the organizing and DIY… I find that the house is a Great Big Distraction some days, too.
Mary: Since your kids aren’t wee anymore, I can imagine that it WILL get easier to write. And just think: instant story details, fresh and realistic sounding.
Oh oy oy, why is it so HARD??? I spent the WHOLE DAY the other day writing a half-page “intro” and then decided it was a bad idea and scrapped it. What a waste. And yet, I waste time like that writing ALL THE TIME. And I’m always second-guessing my character’s motives, mind-set, etc. WHY? And REALLY? Is that what he would REALLY do? WHY? It’s mad-making.
I have this image in my mind of *other writers* writing manageable storylines, with great joy and ease. I know it’s a myth, but I still get jealous of those phantom *other writers.*
🙂
Sometimes I have moments (days, weeks) where I think this writing thing is insane and that I should stop doing it and maybe focus more on my house or something, like a normal person. This is where blog-reading can come in handy.
Speaking of winter, we had a day that was fifty degrees and sunny last week, and it was, like, the best day of everyone’s life here. Of course, we’re right back to 20 and clouds, but those rare beautiful days in the late winter and early spring are worth all the darkness, I think.
Tanita, you could hang out here some ordinary morning and find out quick why that mother was so mad — and why she was driving them. Here are a few ideas:
1) Because somebody forgot her gym kit despite having been reminded a couple of times the night before
2) Because somebody HAD to straighten her hair before she could be seen in public and there was a power failure so she couldn’t, but if she missed her chemistry test it would be awful and she HAD to get to school that day
3) Because the school bus was early; even though it was supposed to leave at 7:48 and always leaves exactly at 7:48, on that day it somehow left at 7:40 and no, the kid’s watch isn’t off, it’s the stupid bus driver’s fault —
Well, you get it. Sometimes I think it’s a colossal mistake for the parents of teens to even think about writing for them. No way can we be on their side all the time, no matter how hard we try.
I’ll keep going if you do, though. Because no way am I going to quit…
Happy birthday month! I like your crocus, and I hope the writing is cooperating!
Sara: DEAL.
Jama: Thank you. It’s hard to admit a weakness but…
Jules: Thank you!
Lindsay: YES. It’s so bizarre how just taking a tiny step to the left gives us perspective.
…thanks, all, for stopping by!
I am loving this cross posting discipline/devotion conversation. Now when I start to kick myself for not being as disciplined as I believe I should, I will remind myself that I am very devoted.
Isn’t it amazing how the wrong word makes you despair and the right word makes you soar? 🙂
Happy birthday month!
Did you and Sara call each other? I love it.
I’m not an author, but I nodded my head through a lot of this. Self-doubt and negative Brain Radio — it’s tough stuff.
Anyway, congrats on getting the manuscript sent off.
Fab post, Tanita! You are an inspiration whether you realize it or not.
Look at us, on the same wave-length today.
I literally had a moment last week where the wind blew so hard against me as I was running that I was stopped in my forward motion. Yeah. And that coincided with my realization that the 1000 words a day goal I had set for myself was about to die a quick death. It was fun while it lasted, and I got mucho work done. But then I started writing crap. Pure crap. So I backed off and this week, voila! Lovely words are flowing again. Not 1000 of them, but enough.
I’m so glad you’re in this with me, sister writer. And that you blog about it. If you keep going, I will. Deal?