{the longest night}

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“when the night has come/and the land is dark/

and the moon is the only light you see…

“Things to do today:
1) Breathe in.
2) Breathe out.”
– Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

A few hours ago I learned of the death of author Ned Vizzini, and I couldn’t remember the user name or password for my own blog for over an hour, which gives you some insight into my state of my mind, especially considering that my user name and passwords are at least half a variation of my own name.

I remain surprised at the profound stupidity of grief.

Blogger (at the time) Alkelda from Saints & Spinners “introduced” me to Ned Vizzini, and over the years we emailed a bit back and forth, talking about books, his, and other people’s. He was a genuinely nice person, always interested in what I had to say – which, admittedly, was usually gushy – and invariably kind to me, and kind about other writers. For my own sake, I will miss that he exists. For the sake of those readers who struggle with depression and who, like me, clutched IT’S KIND OF A FUNNY STORY like a spot-on, pitch-perfect lifeline, I feel with us and for us, an inexpressible loss.

I am gutted. Just sick.

To Know the Dark

“To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.”

– Wendell Berry
from “To Know the Dark”, Farming: A Handbook, (Harcourt Brace, 1970)

We speak, this time of year, about joy, but those of us who are mental sometimes have to talk about the fact that you can only have sparkles of light against darkness. We celebrate the return of Sol Invictus against the backdrop of what feels like it could be endless, eternal night.

We found a reason to celebrate the longest night, the darkest time of the year. The birthday of the Invincible Sun. Christmas. Yule. We manufactured celebration, when we were in the dark, because human beings are nothing if not resourceful. We chose our celebration. Every day that we get out of bed, those who suffer from depression, in this small way, we choose to manufacture a tiny celebration again.

And again.

And again.

Until it becomes somewhat of a habit. Until the light returns.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Repeat.

It matters. We matter. We do. Despite what our brains might be saying.

When we feel we are most helpless, let us reach with both hands to help someone else.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

And, if you can, move.

{a follow-up on that impossibly thin woman in green}

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The Queen of Sheba.
Conrad Kyeser, Bellifortis. Bohemia, before 1405.
Parchment. 140 fols., 320 by 240 mm. Cod. philos. 63, fol. 122r.
Niedersächsische Staats-und Universitätsbibliothek, Göttingen, Germany.

Well, the curator of the Tumblr must have “heard” me, and re-posted the info I was seeking, and my bad-Sci-Fi bud from Maryland made sure I knew – thanks, S!

So, not an icon of Mary after all, as someone suggested – and the lack of holy penumbra (the thing around her shoulders appears to be some kind of fur) should have been a clue. A queen – an actual ruler who existed, and this is a depiction of someone’s idea of her, if a little late to be an actual image. Remember the Queen of Sheba visited King Solomon, and he, with his umpty million wives thought she was pretty hot? Yeah, he was kind of all marriage-addicted, but she was wearing this gown, so him wanting her, too, was kind of unavoidable.

I imagine this is totally the conversation Conrad Kyeser of Bohemia had with himself as he painted this. Totally.

{low bridge, high water: how to cope with December}

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“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” – Charles Dickens

Coping Mechanism #1: Find quotes like this. Cling to them.

It was going well. I was going to be happy this month.

I had plans. I was going to attend a concert in which I was not performing. I was going to decorate. I was going to bake and experiment. I was going to arrange a fun trip for our entire family. I was going to make a meal, and invite guests and strangers…

While I acknowledge that the month is not over, none of this has happened yet. Instead, I’m in the usual mental… er, whirl that so many mental people share:

  • Try to get everyone exactly what they want, which will guarantee their actual happiness
  • Feel increasing anxiety, when they can’t tell you what that thing that will make them happy might be,
  • Realize that one’s nieces/nephews/younger sibs/great-grandparents have access to more expensive tech than you own or can afford, and realize you can get them nothing that they actually want – because their desires lean toward things like, oh, cars, Xboxes and additional iPhones
  • Get caught up on the feeling of helplessness, that you can’t do anything right
  • Be filled with dread at the thought of having to go to an Actual Store and shop
  • Know very well that the things you mail-ordered aren’t going to arrive in time
  • Berate oneself for obsessing over this again and getting no work done
  • Unsuccessfully combat the disappointment with gifts from people who don’t stress as much, but clearly don’t know you well or care, either
  • Unsuccessfully combat the feeling that gift-giving is a meaningless shuffling about of things no one wants, and yet we do it anyway, because, reasons
  • Worry that everyone else understands those reasons
  • Worry that you aren’t finding joy in this season of joy
  • Realize anew that something is wrong with you
  • Lather, rinse, repeat

Every year, people who aren’t prey to anxiety disorders throughout the rest of the year succumb to the Holiday Crazies and every year think, “Okay, I’m not going to do this again next year.” But, just like some of the same people vow not to overeat, to not over-spend… yeah. December – and mealtimes – keep coming back. And we face getting caught in a loop.

Coping Mechanism #2: Find one thing to do for someone who needs it, and do it.

Your one thing may be tiny, or it may be huge. It may be becoming a paid-up member of The Untied Way, which is a fab idea since it has $0 dues, it might be giving someone a ride to the mall… and picking them up again in rush-hour traffic and an evilly overcrowded parking lot. It might be un-decorating, or cleaning up after the festivities are over. It might be wiping a runny nose for an evening. One thing. You are not truly adrift and helpless and being battered by the high, dark waters and drowning if you lighten someone’s load. You are not useless and overwhelmed. You can do this one thing. Promise yourself one thing. Better, promise yourself nothing more.

I think this is a good place to stop on “promise yourself nothing more.” I have more thoughts, but I’m going to sit with this one: Nothing more. Nothing in addition. Good enough as is.

I’m going to sit with this, and see if I can’t apply it to myself for awhile.

Edited to Add: Jon Carroll says much the same, only far better.

{the cold-bright brilliance of our days…}

So, I’ve proven myself to be brilliant by donating three puffy coats from my UK days to a coat drive… just before temps plunged into the twenties here. BOY, am I feeling smart.

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In the other category of Brilliant – and I mean SERIOUS, real brilliance – is the tumblr site, People of Color in European Art History.

I remember being at the ALA in 2010 and seeing a pile of bookmarks with this medieval chick in green on the cover. I didn’t know what the book was about (or, sadly, where the image is found – still researching!), but I took a stack of those postcard/bookmarks, because GOOD GRIEF. I hadn’t seen a whole lot of medieval depictions of people of color, and I wanted to keep this one like wow and oh-my-word,-really. Cartoonist Kate Beaton often links to this tumblr, which is how I found it, and I have to admit that I’m tempted to get a tumblr account just to join in the discussions. (Although: Flame Wars and Correcting the Internets and Better Things To Do.)

Two recent posts from POC’s tumblr are about what gets left out in art history books. Most of what we saw in Survey of Art was excerpted… and, until I went to the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam to see the grand old Rembrandt, Night Watch, in person…? I didn’t know that. Well, sometimes MORE than background gets excerpted… in a bizarre kind of sideways whitewashing. For instance, there are portraits of our first president… sans the staff and slaves and servants standing next to him, who are of African descent. I suspect that’s to make him look less like a loser slave-owner, but come on. The father of our country was, a., a great man, and b., a slave owner, not necessarily in that order, either. Accuracy in history is important, for more reasons than just accuracy. As you might expect, the person uploading these images is having SEVERE backlash from closet-and-not-so-closeted people whose racist baseline beliefs are being shaken. Though she is just scanning pictures she’s found from books and digital library/academic journal sites that the average person is unable to access, she’s catching a lot of flack. A TON of flack. But, she’s responding with grace — and with double-barrels of history, which in this case is the best defense.

In more brilliant news, thanks to Kelly Jensen from STACKED blog who moonlights at Book Riot, I’m on a flowchart! Or, MARE’S WAR is, anyway. Thanks for the shout out, Book Riot!

A brilliant Jama celebrates an adorably demented eleven-year-old on the publication of his first book, a SFF epic called THE ADVENTURES OF TOMATO AND PEA. It is about aliens who crash land on EAR-TH. He puns, he writes, and the boy can COOK, too.

In more BRILLIANT news, one of my favorite naturalist/environmentalist/artists, Rosemary Mosco, has suggestions for Christmas trees. I’d love this artist to make holiday cards; she makes science comics instead, and that’s more than okay, too. Do poke around her site – some fun stuff.

Daddy, artist, mathematician and pancake artist (?) Nathan Shield has already shown himself to be seriously brilliant, what with his Liver Fluke and Hobbit pancakes. (No, not at the same time. Pay attention.) Now that he’s gone through book characters and disease vectors, he’s doing… Fractals. No, seriously. Check it out.

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Aaaaand in the category of Somewhat Less Than Brilliant: have you heard that there are world-eating octopi out there? No? Well Now You Know. There are. The Office for the Director of National Intelligence, which is a kind of umbrella organization over groups like the NSA, is being really serious about the fact that our country has SUPER good intelligence. So much so that this is their new logo and tagline… for serious. As in, not a joke. Especially ironic because international papers revealed this week that the NSA has been spying on online gamers. Apparently, there was a need for undercover … orcs. On one hand, that made me laugh at first, but then, I got depressed. The War of the Worlds/Cthulu/Bond movie ties are not amusing.

Others don’t find it amusing as well. Scottish author Charles Stross blogged this week that he’s going to hit a pause on writing near-future stuff, … because the NSA keeps stealing his plots. No, seriously: his stuff is starting to be predictive. Which is scary.

I feel his pain a tiny bit, because almost three years ago, I was working hard on a space opera/sci-fi novel and used a planet that would work to support human life… you may have heard of it… Glise? Yeah. Just as I’d written an entire deep space station, school, students and drama, I was hit with reality. I know, I know. There are something like forty billion planets that are vaguely Earth-like, but I’d done all this research and supposition about how the settlers would arrive, their path from Earth, the tech which would make this possible (not FTL drives, just fyi), and I was faced with starting again — and feeling oddly exposed, like the universe was reading my drafts… so, that one is sitting on a To Be Rewritten pile, and we’ll see what happens.

For some reason, this weather makes me long for instant camping foods that can be eaten, hot, with a just-add-water motif. Hot chocolate, ramen, soups… Totally nasty, most of the time, as well as bad for me, but maybe it’s because it’s camping temps in my frigid cold office? Ah, well. Still must work, and still must find more gems and lights in this season of wonder. Cheers for now.

{december (de)lights}

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The house down the street (and around the corner) has what appears to be aliens arriving on the lawn around the Holy Family. I suspect they meant to make trees, but somehow, the lines of lights on wire frames look like aliens landing – or taking off – in wedge-shaped streams of coruscating light. It is my yearly giggle, as I drive down the hill: Ecstasy to the Orb – it’s Aliens.

Clearly, it’s too early for me to be taking Christmas lights seriously.

With the exception of our wee creche, we don’t usually decorate for Christmas. In the last few years, it’s been because we’re in the process of moving, thinking about moving, preparing for moving — and now, for the first time, since we’re staying put for more than a single year, it’s …. a little… noticeable. Hey. We don’t have any Christmas decorations, having gotten rid of them, oh, maybe six moves ago. Time to go thrifting.

(What? You buy your ornaments new or make them by hand? And pass them down for years and years, and have MEMORIES attached to them? Yeah, yeah, it must be nice, in Normalsville.)

Nutcracker x4

The weather has finally started to think about what “normal” might be for December. I can no longer run errands in a T-shirt and jeans, as it is at present 29°F/-2°C. Bring on the scarves and gloves! There’s snow in the northern part of the state, and after this weekend’s weather system, we’ll be able to see it on our very own, nearby peaks. Somehow, that makes it Official: it’s the time of the season for joyful freezing and teeth-chattering songs.

I don’t actually blog much, normally, during December, but I’m trying to be better about just getting here and being present in my …churlishness and general cranky moodiness. This year, I’m going to try to be… I don’t know, pleasant through December. Big job, I know, since usually I’m overbooked and übercross and up to my oxters in Good Cheer and it’s usually a very thin veneer over generalized rage. This year, I’m morphing my Thanksgiving thoughts into December delightedness. Taking joy in a month that’s going to come anyway is the best way to chill out with the crazy and stay grounded.

To that end, I thought I’d share that there are Christmas giveaways going on all over. No – I don’t mean the ones hosted by talk show hosts; you won’t find the Mighty O or Ellen here. I mean, in the litosphere and foodie blogosphere — the places where you’re always browsing anyway.

Got Books? Want more? Latin@s in Kidlit are helpfully giving one a day away. If you’re in the UK, Book Bird Fiction Blog has your books. English indie publishers, Alison and Busby are also having a giveaway. If you’re good at book quotations, – hurry over, it’s already started. (Also, if you’re in the UK? DO NOT MISS Tinned Tomatoes’ annual 12 Days of Christmas giveaway. Some SERIOUS swag to be had there for foodies and cooks.)

More books? Suzanne Wardle, a book blogger and book review editor for the Roanoke Times is giving away six holiday-related books just because… reasons. Gotta love that. Drop a comment, and be part of the drawing. A few clicks away, Entangled Teen has 12 Days of Kickass, where twenty-four authors put out deleted scenes, villainous scenes, and give away the books in which they appear (or, you know, don’t). Book Hounds follows up with the 12 Days of New Adult Giveaway, which, if you’re not familiar with the sub-genre, is YA fiction for the post-high school crowd. I’m not yet sure how I feel about it… if you’re not either, this giveaway is for you – read, then make up your mind!

There are probably more giveaways out there, but I hope you check these out. And, hope you’re well on your way to finding the delights of the day today.

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If the sun is shining, it isn’t actually cold. Right?