The Next Chapter, Indeed.

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September 1, 2008

6:15 pm

9 Comments on The Next Chapter, Indeed.

Soapbox

Jools Oliver makes me puke.

First of all: yes, we know “Jools” is a nickname. We’re not bloody stupid, your eternally annoying spouse has only been braying that silly word into the camera for nigh on hoary years. Second: if you couldn’t find book for your little girls, you should have asked a librarian. Just because you’re too big of a gidget to find decent books for five-and-six-year-olds doesn’t mean they don’t exist, you brainless boob.

And what was with the fashion spread, and all the more-than-we-wanted-to-know about the “loads of women” with which your husband works? We’re all mean to believe you’re just this fresh-faced example of the “simple British mum,” um, yeah. Right. Like everyone has the nanny and the time to dash off trite little children’s books while someone else cooks up the wholemeal bread and makes sure Daisy’s new dress is freshly pressed. Oh, yeah, we knew Madonna was a plank or two short of a bridge when she announced her bimbette ambition to write. But insanity, Jools-darling, just looks so much worse on you. The Adventures of DOTTY AND BLUEBELL!?! Seriously!?!? Oh, God save us.

9 Replies to “The Next Chapter, Indeed.”

  1. I *thought* they’d done something extraordinary to her face — she looked completely different in the actual snapshot of her family than wandering lonely as a cloud through the fields of mists and mellow fruitfulness in her wispy frocks.

    And yes, ANGRY!? Oh, yeah. She’s angry with the unethical tower-block residents, as well. If they would all just pull themselves together, they could have a good wander in a golden field as well, and stop buying their children white bread and dressing them from the Oxfam shops…

    She truly has no clue. In the United States, I guess we kind of expect that from pseudo-celebrities, but this woman was just… the girl Jamie Oliver married. What on earth HAPPENED to her!?

  2. I *thought* they’d done something extraordinary to her face — she looked completely different in the actual snapshot of her family than wandering lonely as a cloud through the fields of mists and mellow fruitfulness in her wispy frocks. And yes, ANGRY!? Oh, yeah. She’s angry with the unethical tower-block residents, as well. If they would all just pull themselves together, they could have a good wander in a golden field as well, and stop buying their children white bread and dressing them from the Oxfam shops…She truly has no clue. In the United States, I guess we kind of expect that from pseudo-celebrities, but this woman was just… the girl Jamie Oliver married. What on earth HAPPENED to her!?

  3. I *thought* they’d done something extraordinary to her face — she looked completely different in the actual snapshot of her family than wandering lonely as a cloud through the fields of mists and mellow fruitfulness in her wispy frocks.

    And yes, ANGRY!? Oh, yeah. She’s angry with the unethical tower-block residents, as well. If they would all just pull themselves together, they could have a good wander in a golden field as well, and stop buying their children white bread and dressing them from the Oxfam shops…

    She truly has no clue. In the United States, I guess we kind of expect that from pseudo-celebrities, but this woman was just… the girl Jamie Oliver married. What on earth HAPPENED to her!?

  4. The Daily Mail is written by Satan’s own chipmunks. Waste no time on their drivel, or the terrifying photoshop job they did on the poor woman. My favourite bit is this one:

    “I accept that I’m lucky, but I don’t think you need endless money to make a nice life for
    your children. I’m sure millions of people would tell me that’s true. You can live in a council tower block and still have wonderful ethics – read your children stories every night, take them to places like a farm at the weekend.”

  5. The Daily Mail is written by Satan’s own chipmunks. Waste no time on their drivel, or the terrifying photoshop job they did on the poor woman. My favourite bit is this one:”I accept that I’m lucky, but I don’t think you need endless money to make a nice life foryour children. I’m sure millions of people would tell me that’s true. You can live in a council tower block and still have wonderful ethics – read your children stories every night, take them to places like a farm at the weekend.”

  6. The Daily Mail is written by Satan’s own chipmunks. Waste no time on their drivel, or the terrifying photoshop job they did on the poor woman. My favourite bit is this one:

    “I accept that I’m lucky, but I don’t think you need endless money to make a nice life for
    your children. I’m sure millions of people would tell me that’s true. You can live in a council tower block and still have wonderful ethics – read your children stories every night, take them to places like a farm at the weekend.”

  7. Now, I know the article’s in the Daily Mail, so the quality of the writing isn’t up to much, but boy she seems angry and repressed.
    I give them two more years before a messy divorce.
    Oh! Maybe then she’ll get to write the book for adults – Stolen Jools: My Life with Jamie

  8. Now, I know the article’s in the Daily Mail, so the quality of the writing isn’t up to much, but boy she seems angry and repressed. I give them two more years before a messy divorce.Oh! Maybe then she’ll get to write the book for adults – Stolen Jools: My Life with Jamie

  9. Now, I know the article’s in the Daily Mail, so the quality of the writing isn’t up to much, but boy she seems angry and repressed.
    I give them two more years before a messy divorce.
    Oh! Maybe then she’ll get to write the book for adults – Stolen Jools: My Life with Jamie

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