DON’Ts for today

Elsewhere in the world it is the Fabulous Fourth; here in the UK it’s another Friday and everyone has to work. However, should you be an unwary citizen of childhood and in need of assistance to lead you through this most dangerous weekend, I am here for you, and can help. Thus I bring to you, with a hat tip to friend Ananka, The Book of Accidents from the rare book collection at Yale University. Wise children will want to keep a copy of this handy, as it’s really more of a how-to manual…

What not to do this weekend:

Children, please; though the revelry of explosions ripping through your neighborhoods might entice you to join in, resist, I entreat you, resist the lure of Daddy’s cannon behind the living room drapes. What kind of weekend would you have if you shot your sister dead? And for the love of God, dears, leave the scissors alone. You know what happens when you start annoying the housemaid. Remember how much vodka burns? And what will you tell Mummy when there are rope burns on your thighs… Again?

You can encounter this book in its hilarious entirety (LINK FIXED NOW!) here. The Victorian Age. So many accidents, so many suddenly angelic children…