{#npm16: oh, mr. lear}


It was inevitable we’d come to the abcederian acrostic, the one with which most elementary kids are familiar. Let’s take your name, and make an acrostic of it! the teacher says, enthused. Won’t that be fun? Not if you had my name, which I hated. (I went by my middle name in grade school. An acrostic with a Y is less fun than it could be.) Edward Lear manages, although he also has meter and humor in his poem. I shudder to think how long this nonsense took him!

Alphabet Poem
Edward Lear, 1812 – 1888

A tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood.
B said, “My Boy, O! do not cry’ it cannot do you good!”
C said, “A Cup of Coffee hot can’t do you any harm.”
D said, “A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm.”
E said, “An Egg beat up in milk would quickly make him well.”
F said, “A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell.”
G said, “Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold.”
H said, “His Hat should be kept on, keep him from the cold.”
I said, “Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon.”
J said, “Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon.”
K said, “A Kangaroo is here,—this picture let him see.”
L said, “A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea.”
M said, “A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction.”
N said, “Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction.”
O said, “An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink.”
P said, “Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think.”
Q said, “A Quince I recommend,—A Quince, or else a Quail.”
R said, “Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail.”
S said, “A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh!”
T said, “A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half.”
U said, “An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin!”
V said, “I’ll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin!”
W said, “Some Whiskey-Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball!”
X said, “Some double XX ale would be the best of all!”
Y said, “Some Yeast mixed up with salt would make a perfect plaster!”
Z said, “Here is a box of Zinc! Get in my little master!
We’ll shut you up! We’ll nail you down!
We will, my little master!
We think we’ve all heard quite enough of this sad disaster!”


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