I Am Not On Fire

I am not on fire.

I am learning this.

One might think it’s one of the more obvious facts of life, that one is not aflame, an incendiary, as it were. After all, there would be the issue of heat… the occasional wisp of smoke, the melting of flesh? But no. Fires, in the business world, are things which are Immediately Important and Must Be Dealt With Now. As my mother runs a business, she is faced with fires daily; estranged parents quarreling over their children in the lobby, grumpy board members, late fees, vendor rate hikes. These things require immediate attention and instant intervention before things swell completely out of control. These things are On Fire.

But I am not on fire.

If I were on fire, my mother would RACE to deal with me. She would hook up her camera phone so her Skype would work. She would schedule time to talk with me. She would, I don’t know, do Mother-y things, like …worrying over me, or fixing me internet cocoa or something close to that. If I were on fire, I would be an Issue. A Disaster. A Priority.

But I am not on fire.

If I were a real child, I would douse myself with gasoline, and hunt down a flame.